» ♜Uncertainties♜

his-bocchan:

He dared to peek at the demon above him, his seal shimmering brightly as he opened his eye to glance to the other and listen to him. That expression, his voice, everything about him, the boy found dangerously attractive. He’d always been fascinated with his demon, from his strength, to the true personality that he saw shine through from the butler mask he put on to fool the others. That true self of his was what frightened and intrigued him the most. He knew what the other was truly like, but he wanted to see more of it.

Such thoughts broke and were replaced, however, as he allowed himself to be taken by that kiss. His demon desired him. His demon lusted for him. He could tell that, but that was fine. If the demon wished to devour him in such a way, then that was fine as well. He knew he’d be devoured wholly from this man one way or another and he’d resigned himself to either way. Though one sounded more pleasant than the other, that was for sure. 

Again, he focused on just the demon as he tilted his head back for the male, allowing himself to kiss him. His lips so perfectly melded with the other’s in such a sinful way that it cause his small form to shiver under those touches. Light touches, fierce kisses that stole his breath, it was making him dizzy. He wasn’t complaining thought. It was an interesting experience to go through. 

Though as their kiss broke and the other spoke, the child merely opened his sapphire hues again and stared at him a bit. Delectable was he? Was it from his soul? It had to have been, for he was sure his body wasn’t at all appetizing to a demon like him. Who knew though? He was a demon and Ciel was a human. He’d take the time to get to know him then. 

"Sebastian…" He tilted his head a little deciding not to hold back on his questions. “Do you actually enjoy doing such things with me?" He was curious. He had no experience, so he was still sure the other would lose interest at some point. 

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Sebastian chuckled when the other asked him if he truly enjoyed doing such things with him. Ah such a funny question was it, and yet the demon only smirked to him, for a few good moments he didn’t even respond. “Ah my master, upon the day I formed a contract with you, I presented myself to you as merely a servant of darkness… you my little prince, are everything and all I shall desire and need. For what is eternity but a few fleeting seconds compared to the darkness in my beautiful master, the way you look at me with such longing eyes… give me everything of you. I shall do the same.” Was that sufficient enough? The demon knew for a fact that he only spoke in riddles but they were riddles that were easy to figure out for the most part. 

“You want me to love you back, do you not? I shall give you all I can, for if your feelings are deep enough, I truly will begin to understand… your bond to me is deeper than you realize.” There was a flaming lust here. Was this normal? Sebastian had never felt such strong lust for one individual before. Perhaps it was merely fascination… but it was accompanied with such interesting feelings of possessiveness… of protective longing. 

Was this love? Did he love? Could he love? He was confused but didn’t bother questioning his feelings. He didn’t want to think right now. Sebastian was more interested in letting his feelings run rampant and see where they could take him. He’d never done such ridiculously reckless things before but then again he’d never been uncertain of taking a soul before either. “Only you make me submissive, my master, do you realize how dangerous your power over me truly is? Just how much power you have over me? It’s absolutely intoxicating. I love your cold personality…yes, I can see it… I can say that much, I love your cold hatred.. your vengeance… it’s absolutely stunning.” 

» ♜Uncertainties♜

his-bocchan:

He merely held the demon against him now, his fingers playing through raven locks as his head tilted some from the light nuzzling. He didn’t mind it at all, in fact, he rather enjoyed seeing this dangerous creature so submissive like this. Acting so much more like a cat than the bird he actually was. Birds didn’t do things like this did they? Eh, whatever, that didn’t matter at the moment. Though he did know one thing, his demon was as beautiful as those free and powerful birds that surrounded and guarded his manor. Beautiful, elegant, yet so hard to reach sometimes. But…that made it all the more worth it in the end.

Sapphire hues closed as he nodded to himself at the thought. At the way things were going though, he wandered if Sebastian would actually be able to learn such things. They were demons, after all. Could they actually learn and understand the actual feeling of love? Sebastian could. He would. If he couldn’t do even this then…

Again, a small nod came from the boy as he reassured himself. His Sebastian would learn, for he was his butler still and if he didn’t learn things like emotions, then he’d be unfit. That was his reasoning anyway. Well whatever.

Though, his thoughts shattered completely as he felt the other close the distance between them for the most part, his face turning red at the question presented to him. Why was he a- oh wait…he was still the master, the demon had to? No, he didn’t, he was probably doing it to throw the boy odd. Either way, he wasn’t sure how to reply, but he knew that if he were going to properly love the other, such things could not be neglected. 

He was young, but he understood far more than he should. So with that, he wrapped his arms around the other and brought him closer, his own eyes closing tightly as he fought with himself and finally got his words out. “If you long for such a thing, I will allow you this desire if you so wish.”

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Sebastian chuckled at the way the other seemed to shy away from such a thing at first, though as he watched his red face and how he tightly shut his eyes against the image before him, but spoke so bravely: he was intrigued. His master even when faced with such uncertain things was fighting for the chance to allow him to do things to better figure out this whole ordeal. The demon did not have to think about this desire for very long, he had always had an odd attraction to this boy, though whether it was because of his soul or maybe his very personality—actually he could honestly say it was probably due to the personality. 

"Then I shall have you, my master." He spoke softly, pulling Ciel’s head up gently, and closing the distance between their lips; soft petals claiming equally delicate buds. They were tender and sweet tasting, almost like salt water taffy; something he had been able to taste for a brief moment before the strong taste of ash had overcome the candy. He did not like human food because of that. 

He kissed him fiercely, determined to let him know his true nature, letting him taste just how sinful he actually was; enough to steal the very breath from his lungs. his fingertips brushing down his thin and seemingly frail body, he knew things such as lust and passion, but love was foreign to him. Even now he felt the strong desire to claim the boy, but refrained from doing so. 

He must keep himself under control. “Mmm~ you taste delectable, my master.” He purred at him, licking his lips soon after. 

» ♜Uncertainties♜

his-bocchan:

As he listened, he let his thumbs soothingly run over the demon’s cheeks. He was probably so confused. The boy knew he hated being confused like that. It was one of the worst feelings in the world to not understand something or how to deal with it. The demon’s words just made him want to comfort him more. Though, as he felt himself pulled against the demon, he blinked and merely wrapped his arms around the other’s neck, merely going lax in his embrace. 

He didn’t say or do anything. He merely let himself relax in the comforting warmth of his demon’s embrace. As he felt the other’s finger tracing over his sealed eye, he glanced to him, leaning a bit to the affection despite his best efforts to keep still. It was so odd, receiving affection like this, letting himself be…human…for once. It’d been five years now that he’d been with the demon. It’d been five years since he knew how to be a human. It was so weird, recognizing these feelings now again, sorting through them all. 

But he was happy…Happy…? Yes…he was happy. He closed his eyes as he was kissed, merely listening to the demon’s words as he took them in, what the other was asking of him. No orders…and let him have time. That was fair enough. “No more orders…I can do that. I rarely need them recently anyway.” He shifted and hid his face against the demon’s neck that he was so fond of now.

He was actually going to try? Would he be able to? Ah, then again, that was up to the boy to help him. He needed to do all he could to teach Sebastian that feeling then. Somehow, he would, for the demon’s sake, as well as his own. As much as the thought of dying by the demon appealed to him, the thought of existing with him was far more appealing. He wanted to give it a try. “Sebastian, I’ll help you in whatever way I can. Remember when I taught you how to be a butler, and you taught me how to be an earl?” He pulled back a little and offered him a little smile. “It’ll be like that, with us teaching each other things again.”

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Sebastian listened to Ciel speak, nuzzling into him a bit as he paid close attention to what was being said by the boy. Yes he understood what that meant. Though listening to him as he was, hearing him stating things that he would not otherwise do, was something that the demon butler wasn’t too sure of just yet. He wanted to teach him those feelings. He wanted to understand, yet at the same time, there was a lingering doubt. He had a feeling that he would eventually have to speak to Claude, at some point he would need to confirm things with the spider. 

Claude was one of the few that understood his pain more or less than anyone else. Claude whom had to deal with the Trancy boy whom was just as venomous and beautiful as Ciel, the blonde who knew the every guile and fantasy of a dark heart and how to best stroke it into submission. A child that was truly terrifying…just as his Ciel could be if not properly cared for. Ciel whom was so cold and yet so full of warmth at the same time. 

He would not allow his master to fall to the hands of death. Though he knew that eventually Ciel would be tasting hell, that he would know the pain of darkness, if Sebastian didn’t choose to do something. For a few moments he considered his options, he pulled the boy closer and rested the tip of his nose to Ciel’s. “Perhaps… I can be the first to give you your true kiss…my lord.” Why was he considering this? 

Well Ciel wanted him to love him, he might as well start somewhere. 

» ♜Uncertainties♜

his-bocchan:

He was quiet as he watched the other and listened to him. He stood before the demon, gazing confidently into crimson hues. Though as the other explained that he did not understand, but did not reject him, the boy felt an odd jolt of warmth through his body. His eyes widened some as he gazed upon the demon, listening to his words carefully. He was confused? That meant he felt something he didn’t understand then? Perhaps that was it. 

Though as the other kneeled before him, his head tilted curiously as once more he listened to the other explain to him. He could see the confusion and frustration on his demon’s features as he seemed to be contemplating something, almost with regret lingering in him. It was even more shocking that the demon had asked him to explain what love was. Ah, how annoying as well. He understood it though and he knew he felt it, which disgusted him more than it should. Such weak human emotions and yet the demon wanted to know?

He took a breath and let the other finish as crimson locked with sapphire. He then pulled off the patch and moved to kneel to sit with the other, cupping his face as he gazed into the confused demon’s eyes. He tilted his head, his seal shimmering brightly as he thought over what to say. “I will do my best, but I can’t exactly assure you that I’m the best person for this, Sebastian.”

Ah, but he was the one in love, giving his demon such odd feelings. No, he could do this. It was such a simple task and he would not be conquered by it. Why was he sitting here, depressed and pitying himself anyway? He was the Earl of the Phantomhive Estate for god’s sake! Why was something like this strong enough to break him!? No. He refused. 

"Alright, let’s see. I’ll simply tell you exactly what I feel. To me, love is a feeling of comfort and longing from and for someone or something. Just being near it would cause warmth to course through the body. That thing or person would also cause a feeling of reassurance or happiness from just being near them. Their happiness comes first. And a strong possessiveness and protectiveness come with such a feeling. Love includes a feeling of adoration and admiration, enjoying the person’s company for simply being who and what they are. If you love someone, you’d long to comfort them and make every wish of theirs true no matter how large the task. Love can completely blind and control someone if it turns into obsession but…Well…I don’t think it’d get that far here. And another thing, love would be a longing to be with someone, a happiness gained just by being in their presence."

He nodded to himself and glanced at the other. Well, he tried. He wasn’t sure that it was a rather good explanation, but as he said, he tried his best. It was odd to explain such a thing but at the same time, teaching his demon again, it was….nice. “Well, I tried my best. Was that good enough to give you a general idea then?”

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Sebastian listened to the explanation with great care. So this feeling…? He frowned as he thought about it. Could it be possible that he was in love with his Bocchan? The thought frightened him. He didn’t understand it nor how to react to it, he understood the words that had come from Ciel, and now he was starting to recognize what it was….but how did he deal with it? He could still feel the ring around his finger that he’d simply slipped the gloves over and felt an odd sense of comfort from that single item. Why? Because it belonged to his master. Why did it matter that it belonged to his master? He frowned and let out a soft sigh. “Young master….” He lifted his head and offered him a slight smile. “I understand what you mean…I just …” This was the first time he’d been unaware of what to do since he first started being the Phantomhive Butler. 

He smirked as his resolve finally hardened. The symptoms were all there. So if it were love, love that he felt for his young master, he knew what he eventually must do in order to make his wishes a reality. Ciel was disgusted by his feelings for him. He would make everything alright again, he knew how to do it, and so he gently wrapped his arms around the teenager and dragged him against him, nuzzling his cheek in a fond manner. Yes, he was sure it was genuine fondness he felt for the boy now. He was beginning to see it now. Everything he did now would no longer be because of a contract. He wanted to try doing things for him….out of this thing, that he called ‘love’. To see if that was truly the bastard emotion he was feeling. 

“Allow me time, my lord.” He brushed his fingertips across the brow above the contracted eye and pressed a kiss to the boy’s forehead. “I will do everything in my power to ensure your happiness…I want to try something, do not give me orders, or directions…can you do so? Only give them for special conditions…” He wanted to see if he could do the same not out of duty but out of genuine love for a human. 

Ciel didn’t want to order him to love him. To the young boy, it was not fair, and that he wanted to win the love of such a creature out of it’s own desire to do so. He couldn’t believe himself at all, that he was really willing, to step back and try something so foolish…for a mere mortal. Why? Because he could not imagine a life… even an immortal life, without Ciel. He had become such an em-branded part of his life…

He didn’t want to leave him behind.

» ♜Uncertainties♜

his-bocchan:

He froze at hearing the demon and almost dropped the new patch as he slid it on. He had no idea that the demon heard him, though if the other confronted him, he wouldn’t be surprised. His eyes were much more dull at the moment, but he put on the best facade as he could. It’d pass now right? He got it out so that should be enough now, Right? …Yeah no, things weren’t that simple nor that kind to him. It was sickening just what he felt for the demon and yet he knew, deep down, there was nothing he could do to change it.

So instead, he gave the other a light, fond smile as he sat with the meal, staring at it for a moment. He didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to do anything but sleep until his existence faded. But he couldn’t do that. His demon needed him to keep going. So he would. He’d push down this disgusting feeling and live on, focusing on his goals. Though at the moment, his goals seemed less than appealing to him.

He shook his hard and rather harshly took a bite of his sandwich, chewing at it, letting himself relax from the meal as he ate. Though, he was a bit hungrier than he thought and managed to finish the meal. With it down, he sipped his tea and let it soothe him as well. 

Finally, once done with his meal, he glanced to the other for a moment. Perhaps it was best to ask. He had a feeling he couldn’t hide forever and the best way was to test something. “I was at the cemetery earlier. I could feel it, that weird warmth in my eye when the seal reacts to you when you’re around…Were you watching and listening to me?” His yes focused on the demon. Might as well. His demon couldn’t lie so why should he? At least it’d be out. “If you heard me…what do you think of it?”  Did he disgust the demon yet? What were his thoughts on such a thing? He was curious to know and nervous to know all the same. He was always afraid of the answer. 

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Sebastian watched him eat quietly and went about to fixing up Ciel’s office, dusting the shelves as he normally did during lunch, making sure that every last thing was put in it’s proper place. He already knew that Ciel knew he’d been listening. He didn’t even react but with a simple pause when the other asked him about it. Good, he was confronting him on his own now, that’s what he wanted to see. Turning he smiled apologetically, bowing to him out of force of habit, and respect. “I beg your pardon young master, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop….but your heart continues to cry out to me with the most deep of pain; I cannot simply allow it to be unanswered. Although not originally part of the contract, your desires, become my own. I do not know… whether that is part of our bond…or rather something else. I am confused.” 

He was being honest. He didn’t understand, he didn’t know what he was doing anymore, never once in his life had a contractor made this sort of impact on him before. He was strangely possessive, greedy, and wanted nothing more than to keep that ‘brat’ close to himself. Why? Because for once in his life, he didn’t know if he could let something so precious escape him, would it be such a waste to kill him? He was too precious to kill even? That was confusing still. Was Ciel too dear to destroy? He wanted to destroy him…and yet…

“Bocchan explain something to me?” He knelt before the young lord and kept his eyes upon the ground, he did not deserve to look at him at the current moment. “Your feelings… I do not altogether reject them… why? Because I do not understand ‘love’. What… is it like?” He lifted his gaze from the carpet now, he was almost weary of the answer, a son of hell… scared of an answer from a child? He was truly pathetic. Yet… he could not bring himself to turn his attention from him. He wanted to know the answer as much as he dreaded it. How odd…

“Do your best to convey to me what it feels like to love something.” Sebastian stayed put, keeping his eyes locked upon the young lord, “Use me if you must, to teach me to your best degree, but be warned…I may not understand. I shall do my best, for you, my master.” He rested his gloved hand over his heart to show his sincerity. He was simply one hell of a butler. What kind of butler would he be, if he could not at least attempt to understand those feelings? He was a demon yes, but he was also a servant of Phantomhive, which meant…his master’s desires came first. 

» ♜Uncertainties♜

his-bocchan:

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He listened carefully to the other’s words, his fingers curled into the fabric of the other’s jacket as he merely listened, keeping himself hidden against the other’s coat. The more he listened, the more angered he felt at that wretched man, and yet at the same time, he could not bring himself to feel anymore than that. He was Lucifer, the ruler of hell and the spawn of sin itself. It wasn’t surprising that such a being would be so cruel and ruthless. Ah, for the world to be balanced, he supposed such evil had to exist to balance whatever good and light there was.

So with that, he relaxed against the demon and listened to the end, though the end brought up those odd emotions again. At hearing the other mention of humans finding demons beautiful, he couldn’t help but agree. To him, Sebastian was beautiful. He was amazing in every way, though he’d never say such a thing to the male. He knew better. 

So, he merely nodded and moved off the other to lay down. He hugged his pillow to his chest and closed his eyes. “Thank you…I’m tired now. You’re dismissed if you wish to leave.” And with that, he hid under his covers and forced himself numb once more. It was a skill he struggled with but something he had all the same. 

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He barely slept that night, however, and merely laid there until morning when the demon returned to get him up. The boy quietly let the butler help him for the day, yet barely ate his breakfast. When the demon leaved to clean everything, the boy stood and walked out, sneaking from the manor to the graveyard beside it. 

He slipped past rusted gates and walked out to the graves, labeled, Vincent Phantomhive, Rachel Phantomhive, and Angelina Durless. He stared at the graves indifferently, before sitting, hugging his knees to his chest before those graves, glancing around for any sign of the demon. 

At confirming he was alone, he smiled to the graves with a deep sigh. He didn’t visit this place. Normally, he’d avoid it, but today, he had the impulse to visit. If just once, he allowed his human self to relieve itself, maybe he’d be able to get over this annoying.

"Hello…Mother…Father…Aunty… I know I don’t talk to you much…But…I just wanted to come say…I haven’t forgotten you. I wanted to tell you I miss you…but I’ll never see you again…And I’ll never have the peace you do…I….This is hard to say…but I’m contracted to a demon…My soul is damned to hell…You’re probably all disappointed in me…for doing such a thing…"

Ah, there it was, he could feel the sting of the first tears. But still, if he didn’t get it out, he’d break before the demon. He couldn’t let him see. “Sorry….I wanted to be something great like Father…but in the end, I ended up being just a lost little boy, longing for something that isn’t possible. I’ll admit…I adore a demon..the very one who longs for my soul. I’m a brainless child…who wants to believe that at least something cares for me still…”

He lowered his head into his knees and hugged them tighter as he finally allowed himself to cry. “I miss you all…And it hurts not having you all here to guide me…but…at the same time…I’m glad I got to meet Sebastian…It hurts…I long for my killer…He’s all that I’m not…Strong, intelligent, he’s charming, he’s good looking, he’s…cold…but everything from him…is a truth…even if he weren’t under my command…I’m sure he wouldn’t lie to me…”

He bit into his lip then to try and calm himself. “I’d like to believe that he cares for me, for he’s all that I have. But I know the truth. I’m just a wishful boy who keeps looking to a dark fantasy, but…wasn’t that always how it was?”

He smiled bitterly and glanced to the ground. “I don’t get it. I keep having this odd feeling of longing now…I don’t fear death. In fact, the thought of giving him my soul brings me the oddest feeling of comfort…But…I don’t get…why my chest hurts so much around him. I couldn’t have fallen for a demon…could I have?” He sighed and stood before the graves, merely allowing himself to cry as he gazed to them.

"I feel comforted, protected, even happy I suppose around him. I adore him for what he is and I’m curious about everything about him. So…Why…Why does it hurt so much? Why do I long to be with him? Why do I yearn to make him happy? I don’t…get it…"

He choked back another sob and balled his firsts tightly, his nails causing him to bleed, but he smiled all the same. “Anyways…thanks for listening. I guess I’ll be off before he starts looking.”

The child then turned and walked from the graves, back into his manor. He avoided everyone and merely sat at his desk, rubbing at his eyes some. Ah, shit, his eye patch was wet now. He sighed and stood, going back to his room to look for a replacement, not even realizing that it was time to be notified for lunch. He was sure he’d find the replacement soon though, before Sebastian came looking for him and noticed the tear stained patch. Ugh, to be seen in such a state…how annoying.

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Sebastian stopped outside the gate and listened to Ciel speak to the dead, his crimson orbs glancing over each tombstone as he listened to the boy, and yet he could not help but feel a soft feeling in the pit of his stomach at hearing how the boy wished and longed for these things from him. He was a demon, yes, that was true. However, even monsters were capable of feelings, and he knew that Ciel in the long run was in as much pain from him as he was happiness. He was the bringer of pain, yet at the same time, he was guarding him from breaking. “Tch…” The demon butler went about his daily chores and tried to forget about what he heard from the boy, but to no avail. It was a demon’s job to fill the contract, yet at the same time, there were other things he wished he could do for Ciel. 

He was a special boy. No other contractor had left such an impression upon the monster before, he’d been so indifferent up until now, why? Why couldn’t he be the same now? He didn’t understand why he was feeling this mystery feeling. He didn’t even understand if it were a good emotion or a bad one. He knew what Ciel wanted and yet there was nothing he could do about it for now. Instead he let the boy have his pride and went about his daily duties without a word to anyone on the subject. He sometimes, could not help but feel, like if he just ordered him to those things he desired…it’d be so much simpler. 

Humans did not work that way. They didn’t yearn to cage monsters, nor tame them, simply to be near them. He’d learned it from his previous contractors as they explained certain teachings, most of them had turned out to be interesting teachers, and yet Ciel outshone each and every one for the soul purpose of one thing. He was not doing this teaching because he had no use for it. He was trying to teach himself to be human, while denying things, at the same time. His young master was such a convoluted monster lover. 

“Young master…” He bowed in a gentle manner. “It is time for you luncheon. I have prepared tea sandwiches, with light mayo and lettuce, and for your drink your favorite Earl Grey tea.” He placed the small tray in front of the boy and already knew he wouldn’t touch it much. The boy was distraught and disgusted with himself at the moment. “Would there be anything else I could get you?” 

» ♜Uncertainties♜

his-bocchan:

He listened to the dark creature, having already numbed himself once again, as he usually did when that pain and longing plagued him. It was normal for him, ever since his family was destroyed, to always have a certain pain and longing for what he’d lost. And every time he felt it, he made sure to numb himself. But for some reason, it was growing stronger and stronger by the day and he had to learn new ways of numbing himself, his human self, a part of him that he tried to destroy over and over. 

He was a human and Sebastian was a demon. Could he be taught his emotions? Probably to enough of an extent. Would it work? Probably not. He could try, but why set himself up for more failure and pain? He was still just a weak human boy. He wasn’t really worth spending all eternity with, and he knew that. 

Even as the other spoke and described him, even though he knew his demon could not lie, it sounded far too much like a lie to him. Nothing about him was- …This was a demon though. Anything dark and disgusting about him was probably all the more beautiful. Or was it? How confusing. It was even more confusing that a demon speak with such fondness for him. Why would a demon be fond of him? There were many others just exactly like him, so why be so fond of a single soul that’d eventually be a demon’s meal?

He glanced away, only to blink at the kiss to his cheek and gaze up at the demon once more. At the answer of hearing the other state that he would miss him, sapphire hues widened. He felt something wrench inside of him. He’d…be missed? So the demon actually did care and wanted him around? 

No no, that was- … No it wasn’t, his demon could not lie. It was an order and the demon had to obey. Why would Sebastian miss a brat like him though? He was sure that the raven would be more than happy to be rid of his presence by then, so why? He didn’t get it!

And even more so, that feeling of longing had come back. He felt himself twitch as he fought it once more. Such a disgusting…weak feeling…and yet it was so strong. “I….see…” What more could he say? A distraction, he needed a distraction. “Sebastian, will you tell me a story of your past? No matter how dark it may be?” That would help at least…Somewhat. Maybe it’d stop with the odd, persistent pain that throbbed in his chest if he got the foolish ideas from his mind. 

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The raven bowed his head faithfully as he listened to the response. He wanted a story of his past? No matter how morbid? The demon thought and since he’d brought it up before, he might as well start there. Very well, the child would receive a story, and possibly end up feeling numbed by it. The demon held him carefully and thought of how to best start it. “When I was younger, I remembered overhearing my father speaking to his generals about humans being good for conceiving the strongest of monsters, and so I was curious … about my own mother. Where I had come from, what was it that made father so bitter?” Sebastian smirked coolly and recalled the memory, reaching back through the darkness to bring it back in detail to his mind, images flashing before his eyes. “Father was ruthless, cruel, and unfeeling. He kidnapped his children from their mothers and brought them to hell as servants, children, or soldiers. I was placed into his care as one of the sons. He was not a good father.” 

Sebastian didn’t care much about that though, it was an indifferent part of his life that brought him nothing, no emotions whatsoever. He had no attachment to his father, yet no grudge against him, and that was just fine. “I began searching for the woman that was my mother. I wanted to know what she looked like at the very least, just to see her once, would be enough for me. I soon learned her name was Yayoi and she lived in a secluded area. She was a woman that worked hard for her money, she had the most beautiful blue-green eyes, and hazelnut hair. I could see why someone would attracted to her.” 

“She did recognize me the second I revealed myself to her, calling a name… I suppose it might have been my true name, but the memory is so faded. I did not come to her, and turned away, leaving her there because Ura; my father’s general had accompanied me. She was killed on the spot, but that was what happened when you mated with Satan himself, and managed to survive the birth of your child.” Sebastian nodded to himself and turned his attention to the small Earl on his lap. “She was a rare creature, my mother, she smiled with such joy at seeing such a disgusting creature like me…that’s how I learned, humans can love… some of the most disgusting beasts, and yet to them… we’re something beautiful.” 

» ♜Uncertainties♜

his-bocchan:

He’d remember him. That was all he could ask of this creature that held him. He knew already, to try and make him feel something he didn’t understand was preposterous. Even thinking about such a thing was out of the question. Though was it wrong to let thoughts slip into his mind? Yes…It was painful and hurt him more than he could say. He’d already lost his mother and his father. His aunty as well, and anyone else that was close to him. All he had was the one whom would kill him one day and send his soul to eternal damnation. 

But was it wrong to care for him? … Such a thing, he didn’t want to dwell on. He shook his head hard and fought with himself for a moment. Sebastian was all he had. And at the very least, he cared to a degree. Demon or not, he cared. That was enough, to have someone who need and longed for him. So, he was just food, that was fine, he was needed for his precious demon to survive. The very thought earned a cold smile from the boy as he hid his face against the chest of the demon.

At the very least, he’d still be with Sebastian somehow. Not in the most pleasant of ways, but he’d still be there. He closed his eyes and merely focused on the other’s words now, listening to him speak of saving someone. It was interesting to hear the conditions and what would happen. Even more so that someone had ever done such a thing. Though it was such a painful thing, to the boy, it sounded wonderful. To have a promise of never being alone…

He sighed a bit at that, merely keeping himself quiet as he listened to the other male speak of his mother. Longing for his mother…He could understand that to a degree. He knew more of his own than Sebastian did of his however, that was the difference, but it made the longing just as strong. Ugh…such annoying emotions. If only he could order Sebastian to kill his human side too.

"Sebastian…" Ah, why was he going to ask this? He didn’t know, but he simply wanted to see what the other would say. “What do you think of me? And when I die, will you miss me?" Simple curiosity. He didn’t care. No, not at all. He couldn’t afford to.

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Sebastian listened to him quietly and didn’t say a word for the longest time. It was heartbreaking to say the least, watching his precious Bocchan struggle like he was, and it was bringing out the strength in him that Sebastian often withheld. He whom was merely the servant, merely the monster, that was a sword and shield. A darkness that must be there to serve it’s master, yes he understood full well his position, and just what his master wanted of him. He was surprised however, when he asked him a question, he hadn’t expected he’d ever hear from the boy. Was he close to breaking? He must be. Surely, the cold Phantomhive head, was not wishing to stay with such a monster as himself was he? It didn’t bother the demon so much; it was just confusing. 

Cold rubies flickered as he thought over the question and brought up an honest answer for him. He wanted to know his true feelings? He would not hold them from him. He may not however, like the answer he received, and he was full aware of that already; so he did not bother to warn him.  “What do I think of you?” He rested his fingertips on his cheek and brushed them over the soft skin quietly, lingering there with a gentleness, even though it was merely a ruse. “I desire you. You’re my master, you’re my everything for the moment, every wish and command in your heart is engraved deeply into my being. I think you’re strange, beautiful, and deadly. You’re fragile, yet so unbreaking, even though you’re close to the point all the time. You’re a proud and stubborn individual, you seek answers… and you’re strength and noble heart are admirable.” 

He normally had nothing nice to say about humans. “You interest me. Your thoughts, feelings, ideas… everything from the actions you take, to the decisions you make, and your ability to face death and life even though you’re frightened… the ability to have the courage to face those fears. Even though you’re afraid, weak, and think yourself disgusting, you’re nothing but a beautiful puzzle waiting to be explored and one day you’ll resurface as the most beautiful of all beings.” 

He chuckled and kissed his cheek. “Will I miss you, young master?” His grip tightened on him, but not enough to cause harm, “Only as deeply as the heart is wicked.” 

» ♜Uncertainties♜

his-bocchan:

He listened carefully as he merely rested in the other’s arms and allowed the other to clean his wound. Oops, he always seemed to be making things troublesome on his butler. Well he was a demon, he was probably used to this. Still, whatever. He only flinched some now and then from the pain, but was completely quiet, letting the other’s head press to his as he relaxed further and moved to merely hug the demon’s neck as he thought over his own question in return. 

"No…To even want for such a thing is ridiculous. I’m a human, and nothing more than your prey. A demon is a hunter and nothing more. That’s how it is and that’s how it’ll stay I’m sure. It’d be painful to wish for such a thing, so I shan’t. There is no point." Besides, a demon wouldn’t understand the emotions of a frail human. Really, he wouldn’t burden Sebastian in such a way.

Ok fine, he was a stubborn child who’d thrown away everything, but Sebastian was all he had. The only thing that wasn’t stolen, the only thing he could keep. He cared for the demon, he didn’t like the fact that the demon went through what he did. Sebastian was the closest thing he could keep to him, the only one that could comfort and protect him. He hated admitting such a thing though, because it hurt. A demon wouldn’t care so much about its prey he was sure. He was just a lonely boy, wanting something to care for him, he knew that. And he tried to completely tear and shred that part of him. It was weak, it was disgusting, it wasn’t the reason Sebastian came for him and if he saw it, surely the demon would lose interest once he’d seen that his master was as weak as any other human.

He shook his head of those thoughts and glanced up at the other. “When I die, will you remember me?” Why did it matter? It didn’t. It really didn’t, so why was he asking? “Ah, actually, you said you keep trinkets of your contractors right?” He glanced down and played with his ring, before slipping it off his finger, putting it on Sebastian’s. “I know it’s probably worthless to a demon…but…Here, you can keep this from me to remember me by.” It was something at least.

"Say, has a demon ever saved a contractor before? Do you know?" What else was there to ask? “Do you ever feel lonely and long for a companion?" He already knew the answer to a good bit of his other questions. For one, did he feel love and so on. He knew it wasn’t the same for demons. Ah, well, whatever. 

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Sebastian merely listened to the other as he spoke. He wasn’t at all surprised when Ciel denied that he wanted to stay with him, he knew that it was ridiculous, but in fact to the crow; it would make sense. He was all that the boy had after all. It wasn’t unnatural for a contractor to grow attached to their demon, however, Ciel was the first boy who’d ever shown more than an interest to control him and make his power his own. This child was so rare and so delicate that he was the most beautiful of creatures, this was what he loved about humans, how selfish and yet strangely wonderful they could be all at once. Watching him as weak as he was, did not disgust him in the least, in fact it only made him more possessive. 

He could not allow Ciel to want these things though. He would push him that much harder, to keep him from breaking, and he was always so close to breaking as it was. “Young master…” His tone was quiet and dark, full of that quiet and reserved feeling that often came with Sebastian, and he already knew that his master wanted him to answer these questions -honestly-. He had never once lied to Ciel. Never once. He could merely avoid the truth by not answering. That was the only way a demon like himself would be able to lie to their contractor. He tilted his head at the question of remembering him, not answering as he watched the young Earl take off his ring and place it upon his finger, almost as dear to him as anything in this world. The ring that Ciel owned was a symbol of his pride, his past, and his pain. 

The demon’s eyes narrowed on it and he gently brushed black painted nails over it, his fingertips touching the cold stone, as he looked back to the fifteen year old in his lap. “Bocchan…I am honored you’d give this to a mere servant such as myself, should this have not been your will, I would not have accepted this. It’s far too nice for someone like me.” He wrapped his arms around the boy and pulled him closer, resting his head as he listened to the other questions. “I will remember you.” 

What was this strange feeling? He couldn’t recognize it. It was…different. “A demon saving his contractor…yes I’ve seen it happen before. The contractor becomes bound to the monster in the most personal of ways… and is allowed to stay with the demon if the demon so chooses, but there’s a catch. This contractor does not feed off souls like their sire and the sire itself must stop harvesting souls as well and turn to something else. We begin hunting like normal monsters, we can then taste flesh, blood, and flavor. Father says it’s disgusting…” 

Sebastian glanced to the boy as he turned to answer his last question. “I…was lonely.” He nodded as he recalled the light leaving his mother’s eyes, it was the most disgusting memory he held closest to his heart. It was the only memory of her he had. “I miss someone… someone I don’t even know Bocchan. So yes, I suppose, I do get lonely… and long for someone to stay with me occasionally, however I have to be careful not to dwell on that too much, I’ll die if I do.” 

» ♜Uncertainties♜

his-bocchan:

He was still busy convincing himself he didn’t care when the butler returned. His icy, oceanic hues focused on the butler when he came, his thoughts finally shattering after. The boy then took and sipped at the milk as he thought over the other’s words. His presence was soothing- …No…he didn’t- he couldn’t care. It’d just be painful in the end. He didn’t even know why he’d let himself fall to such a delusion, a delusion that the demon actually cared for his well being. He refused to believe such a thing. 

A soft breath left the child as he set the now empty cup down and curled up in his covers. He wasn’t tired though, and now the blood from the wound he caused himself stained his shirt as he turned, back faced to Sebastian. To be honest, he’d forgotten about it already. It was such a common occurrence now a days as well. He didn’t care. It’d heal soon anyway. He shrugged it off and closed his eyes, trying to get his mind to stop working now.

"Stay." That was all he got out as he shut his eyes tightly and tried to sleep. Finally, after a good while, he gave up and just sat up, hugging his knees to his chest with a thoughtful expression. “Sebastian, say, have you ever felt pain or regret from taking someone’s soul? Has there ever been someone that interesting to you that he wished you hadn’t killed them?" He glanced to the demon then, deciding to just ask questions now. Sure, he’d asked some before, but since he couldn’t sleep, he decided he wanted to know more. It’s not like it would have hurt him and really, he didn’t want to sleep. He didn’t want those dreams to come back to him. Ah, sleeping was one of the worst parts of his days. If only he didn’t have to do it, he wouldn’t have to face such conflicting emotions. Annoying- everything was so annoying!

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The demon listened to his young master’s questions, resting on the side of his bed as he brought Ciel over to him, and when he did he reached into his pocket and pulled out his handkerchief, setting to work on the wound that his young master had placed upon himself yet again. “There are times I have wished that I did not have to do this to people.. there are times…. but as far as that goes… feelings of wanting to keep something close to me, of regret… I do not know. None of my previous masters were very interesting, Mary is the closest to you as I can recall.” He rested his head against the boy’s and closed blood eyes to think further. 

"Perhaps … perhaps some day Bocchan." There were times he wished he didn’t have to do what he did in order to survive. Though such implications of wanting to keep a contractor near him were just plain ridiculous. If he ever thought about doing such a thing he would surely curse himself to a fate worse than death. He could probably keep said person with him if he so chose, but the process was so painful, and becoming a demon was horrible. 

It’d be best if he didn’t have to think about such things. “Bocchan… why the sudden question, are you perhaps wishing you could stay with me?” He pulled the other tighter into his embrace and allowed him that moment to be weak. It was a moment that he didn’t like but Sebastian did not care. Ciel sometimes just needed to be that one thing he hated most. Human.